I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
