high people should be assigned attendants
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
