My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
