I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
