Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
