I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
