ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
