I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
