I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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