If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think your dad took our porno
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
