according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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