I never want to see another naked old woman again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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