Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
