I wish I could teleport
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
