I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
