I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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