I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
