My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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