The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
