Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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