I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
