So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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