I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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