I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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