Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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