Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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