i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
