I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
