Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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