just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
