I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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