that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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