Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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