Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
