You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm like, not good at living.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
