Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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