I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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