They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need to calm my uterus...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
