I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
