More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he shaved USA in his pubs
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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