My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
