Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
