Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
