masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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