He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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