He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
