Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
