we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
