Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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