I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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