He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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